


Babel

by celestial_light



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, M/M, Psychological, julian finds bad ways to deal with his guilt, set after our man bashir
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 03:50:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15088388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestial_light/pseuds/celestial_light
Summary: They fall apart, naturally. Like water in an open palm.  Julian allowed Garak to slip through his fingers, and didn’t even try to catch him.OrJulian deals with the consequences of being unable to admit to his mistakes.





	Babel

**Author's Note:**

> Someone wanted a fic that went into detail about Julian and Garak's relationship, and how it slowly deteriorated towards the end, because honestly seemed like This is part ½ because I know you wanted a part where they resolved it! That said, this is angsty and kinda psychological!
> 
> I'm my own beta, so beware. 
> 
> Check the fic out on [tumblr](https://myinkandtrees.tumblr.com/post/175312526647/title-babel-summary-they-fall-apart-naturally)!

He woke with Garak’s warm blood trickling down his hand, and onto his mattress. He couldn’t see it, but he could  _ feel  _ it, and in heartbeat shouted at the computer to turn on the lights. In wake of the now illuminated corridor, the doctor was met with dry hands and pristine bedsheets. 

 

It had been a dream. 

  
A dream that nearly sent his heart breaking out of his ribcage. It was that  _ damn  _ holosuite program again,  and this time his bullet hadn’t grazed Garak. It had killed him--struck the center of his neck and rendered him lifeless instantly. 

  
For all the terror it had caused him, Julian reminded himself that it had only been a  _ dream.  _ Had willed his heart to stop racing, and his chest to slow as he recollected himself. He hadn’t really hurt Garak, at least not as bad as he’d done in his dream. 

 

Though doubt soon followed after, and in the too-lit room, in between the silver of waking and sleeping, Julian began to rationalize the dream. Tried to make sense of it, as if it would ease the pain he was feeling. 

  
Garak  _ had  _ it coming, he was  _ asking  _ for it the moment he tried to end the program. Killing him was the only way, right? Of course. 

 

It’s not like he could have stunned him? Or wrestled him down with his enhanced strength? In all honestly, Julian could have reached him  _ ages  _ before he ended the program. 

 

But he wasn’t thinking.    
  


Bashir, not thinking? What was the world coming too?  He could almost hear Miles’ voice in the back of his head. Almost laughed, though the dire situation persuaded him to do otherwise. 

 

And cheap humor asides, he would have done it the Captain right? Miles, or Jadzia? He would have risked killing them if it meant saving the others. Wouldn't he have? 

 

_ No, Julian. You wouldn’t have.  _ Garak had managed, through shallow breaths and gulps of crimson. 

 

\---

  
That wasn’t the first time he’d had that dream. And it certainly hadn’t been the last. It had plagued his sleep since the holosuite program, and wouldn’t stop. 

  
Naturally, he tied the blame to Garak. The Cardassian seemed to be the cause for his nightmares, his inability to mind his own business nearly getting him killed and further serving to haunt Julian with nightly terrors.

 

If only he'd stayed out of the holodeck, than none of this would have happened. 

 

Yes, it was Garaks fault. At least that's what Julian made himself believe. 

 

That had to be it, it was the only thing that made sense. 

 

Perhaps that accounted for the heaviness he felt in his gut whenever he approached Garak . One could call it guilt, but in all honesty Julian had nothing to feel guilty about. Least of all shooting Garak. He had to convince himself that he’d done the right thing, and would've done to anyone else threatening his friends. 

 

_ Only you wouldn't, _ a small voice had repeatedly told him in the back of his mind, but as usual he chose to ignore it.

 

___

 

Talking to Garak became...insufferable. every conversation they seemed to have not only lowered Julian's moral, but left him bitter altogether. He couldn’t face the Cardassian without that sickening sensation boiling in his gut, turning flips as if it were some sort of animal waiting to come out. Their conversations became less about politics and literature, and more of Julian trying to work through the pain growing in his gut. 

 

Consequently, it made it  _ impossible  _ to focus on anything else. Presently, Julian attempted to follow a lengthy conversation with Garak, or at least give the impression that he was listening to his friend. But ultimately, his attempt had failed, as the Cardassian had immediately picked up on his inattentiveness. 

  
“Doctor?” Garak had inquired, taking a look at a blank faced Julian, who remained silent after the conversation had found its end, “Is everything alright? You look...discolored.”

 

Julian had made to respond with an excuse, but his words had caught in his mouth the moment his eyes had rested on Garak’s neck ridge, where the bullet had grazed just months ago. There was nothing to indicate that it had been injured, Cardassian shedding taking care of that, but Julian’s eyes saw something differently. 

 

There was blood on Garak, dark, red murky blood, spilling down his neck and onto his shoulder. 

 

The doctor starred with utter horror, mouth agape and eyes as wide as dinner plates. 

 

Garak raised a ridge in concern, and extended a hand towards Julian, “Doctor, are you ok-”    
  
“Don’t  _ touch  _ me,” Julian snarled, slapping the scaley hand away. He stood quickly, chair nearly toppling over as he did so. All at once, heads turned towards him, and he became increasingly aware that he was causing a scene. 

 

Now Garak looked positively concerned, hand suspended midair as he attempted to calm Julian, “Julian, we should--” 

 

“Shut up Garak,” He snapped before even realizing what was coming out of his mouth, earning a gasp from the patrons around him. He hadn’t meant to yell at Garak, but the entire situation was  _ too  _ much for him.

 

“Julian, you--”   
  
“This is all your fault.” He cut off the Cardassian again, voice rising and anger radiating off of his body in waves, “If only you hadn’t come into the Holodeck--” 

 

“Is everything alright, Doctor?” Appearing out of nowhere, Odo stood behind Julian, the beige coats of his security team waving through the crowd. He placed a stern hand on Julian’s shoulder, keeping him in place before his anger escalade. 

  
“Are you alright, Garak?” Odo turned towards the Cardassian, who slowly sat back in his seat, an unreadable expression on his face (though if Julian could place it, he’d assume it would be shock).  Julian was  _ insulted.  _ Did Odo really think that low of him, that he’d hurt Garak? 

 

As if to prove his point, he leered at the Chief of Security, and was met with equally cold eyes. They stayed there for what seemed like hours, though it couldn’t have been more than five seconds before Julian shook Odo off and turned on his heel. 

\----

He apologized to Garak after his blowup, tried to come up with a good excuse for why he did what he did. But nothing could make up for his blunder. The situation grew even more awkward when Garak asked about the Holodeck incident. 

  
Julian couldn’t piece together and explanation to save his life, and Garak had cut him off before he’d managed to further embarrass himself. He’d shut the door in Julian’s face, and left the doctor at the door to grapple with his actions. 

 

\---

 

After the accident, they’d limited their lunches to a monthly basis.  _ Correction _ , Julian had limited their lunches to a monthly basis and had spent his new found free time emerged in the holodeck with Miles, or dancing around his rather strange attraction to Jadzia-turned-Ezri. And when he really,  _ really  _ had nothing on his hands,  _ then  _ he’d submerge himself in his lab for hours, throwing himself into endless hours of research. 

 

Julian stopped visiting Garak’s quarters as well. He couldn’t recall when exactly, only knew that his last visit to the man’s room had been something of a dream and almost unreal. Part of him supposed it had been that way, because his mind had known it would be the last time he’d spend a night with Garak. He’d cemented it into a thing of legend, where all the details were hazy and unclear, but it had happened nonetheless. 

 

Following that, he’d avoided other, small things that reminded him of Garak. 

  
He changed his route completely, so he wouldn’t have to pass the tailor’s shop, not wanting to be drawn into the shop as he’d been in the past. 

 

Garak had done much of the same. Never one to pursue something with no benefit to him, he’d taken Julian’s hint. 

 

After that, things had fallen into place gradually. Or more like fallen apart.  

**Author's Note:**

> tell me how you feel! also please leave a kudos!


End file.
